Solutions

So it’s progesterone suppositories time here in these parts, which marks the official beginning of “Don’t even think about touching me” time. J is handsy, self-admittedly. This is a challenging time for us both–him facing lots of rejection, me doing all the rejecting and feeling so gross and like a bad wife.

I have found a solution.

Last night, I made one of the greatest decisions of my life: I purchased myself a slanket.

Though you may be more familiar with this particular item under its trademarked name, mine is a generic pink blanket with sleeves, and it is amazing. Being someone who is constantly cold, I often rocked the blanket dress (a blanket wrapped around the body, not unlike a sarong). J seemed to have no qualms with the blanket dress.

The slanket, on the other hand…

His exact words were “I want a divorce” (pretty sure he was kidding…).

Guess what I’ll be rocking for the next two weeks while we wait out the progesterone period?

Also, I’ve had the craziest farts today (TMI, perhaps, but we’re all friends here, right?). I’ve had cramps for the past few days with pinches on my left side. It’s way past ovulation, so I don’t know what all that’s about, and now today I’m bloated and super gassy. That’s keeping J at bay, as well.

So there are your tips for today, ladies. Having trouble keeping your husband’s paws off you? Here’s your plan of attack:
1. Buy a slanket. Embrace your new cult member-like appearance. Store used Kleenex in the pocket.
2. Develop stomach curdling gas, to the point that you can barely stand it, either.
3. Thank me later for such great tips.

-Slanket-lovin’, rootin’ tootin’ Regular Van.

IUI Like A Boss

Intrauterine insemination – Cycle day 14 – Duration: about two hours

Today was the day.

We showed up at the clinic for 7:00 AM in an effort to be one of the first IUIs of the day (first come, first served). J procured a sample of swimmers first thing, while I went for a TU (no blood work today–good thing, as my arm is resembling a junkie’s). We had about an hour to wait while the sperm was washed and ready, so we went to get coffee and a bite to eat.

When we got called, we went into Insemination Room 2 (it’s so “Handmaid’s Tale” it’s kind of creepy), and waited for about 15 minutes for the doctor to arrive. It was really nice to have J there with me today. I joked that if this one “took”, at least we could tell our future child that he was actually there for conception.

The doctor came in and chatted with us about the latest test results. He gave J glowing marks for superb sperm (as if that guy needs to be told he’s great at MORE things…), and was pleased with the development of my follicles (not quite as excited or complimentary–I’m used to living in the shadows). He walked us through the procedure and then knocked on the tiny door that I guess connects to the sperm bank. He called my name, and a little test tube appeared. The doctor joked about also requesting a burger and shake, and J made some inappropriate comment about the sperm being the shake (…sigh…), and I was once again happy that he was there to lighten the mood. I was in a good mood, don’t get me wrong, but it was nice to have some levity.

The doctor inserted a speculum and a very thin catheter into my uterus, and popped the sperm in there. He told me to put my feet together, as I was “surging” (“Your vagina is sweating”, he let me know. Greaaaaaaaat…sounds good.). I popped my bum up so he could slip a puppy pee pad under my butt to catch my…vagina sweat?

I was ordered to lie there for 5 minutes, and J was good at keeping me down for the full 5 minutes.

So poof! went the doctor, and we waited.

He prescribed progesterone suppositories for me to take for the 2 weeks leading up to my blood pregnancy test in 14 days. I get to shove these little white things up my cootchie twice a day for the next 14 days. Oh heavens.

So 2 weeks. I’m entering the nail-biting 2-week wait filled with hope, but not too much hope. I am confident that every step we are taking is leading us closer to answers that will ultimately help us in the end, so nothing is lost in all of this.

I so hope this is it, but if it’s not, it’s not the end of the road, and certainly not the end of the world. We can do this!

-Sperm-filled Regular Van.