It’s been a while.

Like, a year a while.

I had absolutely no idea when I started this blog that a year later, here we’d be. I wish I had written more during the past year, but it’s been rough. This process has been the most challenging experience of my life, but I feel ready to write about it now, and part of me feels like I need to get it out.

We had an appointment at the CReATe Fertility Clinic in Toronto earlier this week, and though the lead up to the appointment was stress-inducing, I feel excited and hopeful about the future for the first time in a really long time. That appointment has made me feel ready and able to share what’s been going on.

Before I describe what’s happened, I have to say how much all of this has sucked. There’s no other way to put it. Okay, I guess there are other ways of putting it, but they all involve a whole lot of expletives, and I’m trying to keep those to a minimum. I’ve spent too long crying my eyes out, feeling miserable and totally hopeless. Facebook was intolerable, as it seemed every single frigging person in the world was getting pregnant except for me. People were having their second, their third, and it all just made me cry. I couldn’t talk about it without busting into tears, yet had a hard time thinking about anything else, so it would ultimately come up in conversation with those close to me.

I feel ashamed of the way I treated my friends who were pregnant or had just given birth. I genuinely felt happy for them, but I also felt angry and sorry for myself that it was them who got to experience it and not me. The lowest point was bailing on a meeting with friends who were days away from giving birth. I couldn’t face it.

I’m sure at that point in my life, I would have been diagnosed with depression, had I sought out professional help. I feel a lot better now, after our appointment at the fertility clinic.

So here’s where we’re at: We’re a couple who needs some help. We’ve tried it on our own for the amount of time that warrants a “primary fertility” diagnosis, and we’re now in the process of taking the necessary steps to try to get this train out of the station (no sexual innuendo intended there).

Our doctor at CReATe is fantastic, and instantly eased my mind. I held it together during our first appointment, which I was really proud of. I’ll write about our appointments in further posts in an effort to lay out our experience for those who may be going through the same things.

My advice for others who are traveling a similar path to us is to be easy on yourself. Cry when you need to, talk when you need to, and address your feelings, as difficult as that is sometimes. You’ll be told at least a bazillion times to “just relax” by very well-meaning people who have zero idea how stressful that is to hear. The reality is, though, people have no idea the emotional rollercoaster this process is until they’ve been through it.

-Miserable Regular Van.