Archives for posts with tag: Circle+Bloom

So I may or may not have had a major freak-out last night, which may or may not have caused me to convince myself I had ovulated too late for the IUIs to have done anything.

I may or may not have bugged out so hard that I had to turn off my Circle+Bloom meditation program because my breathing started speeding up.

I also may or may not have spent the hours between midnight – 2:00 AM conducting the following Google searches:

  • i didn’t ovulate iui
  • ovulation not confirmed progesterone suppositories
  • iui pain
  • does progesterone stop ovulation
  • ovidrel
  • ovidrel success rates
  • how long does washed sperm live
  • timing of iui

I also may or may not have yelled at poor J ON HIS BIRTHDAY because I spent a restless night freaking out about whether this cycle was a bust or not and not knowing what to do about it while feeling definite ovulation pain, and maybe kind of resenting the fact that he was sound asleep while all this freaking out was going on.

I may or may not have used yet another sick day to return to the clinic like a crazy lady, and sputter out some nonsensical ramblings about not ovulating and maybe needing a third IUI and not knowing what to do and should I start the progesterone and I swear I’m not crazy but I know it sounds like I am…

I may or may not have spoken to the sweetest nurse in the world who sent me for an ultrasound to see if I’d ovulated, who told me I had two teams working for me. Two teams? “Two teams of sperm are in there looking for that egg”, she may or may not have said to me, while looking at me with an expression that could best be described as a mix of “let’s get this crazy calmed STAT”, and genuine caring. I may or may not have said to her that I don’t usually spaz out like this, I swear, this is my first major bug out, I swear…

My doctor may or may not have seen me after the ultrasound and asked me if I was okay, to which I apparently couldn’t formulate an answer, so he brought me into his office to talk. During this meeting, I may or may not have been repeating the mantra “I can control the flood that is creeping into my eyes right now/You will not break down here”, while listening to him explain that the timing for the IUIs was perfect, that I shouldn’t lose sleep over this (um, too late for that one, sir), and that I had probably ovulated yesterday afternoon or early evening.

I may or may not love my sweet husband even more for encouraging me to go to the clinic to put my mind at ease and to come with me this morning. He may or may not have smeared his face with the chocolate from his muffin to make me laugh, and then forced me to kiss him so he could call me a “chocolate face!!!”, which I know was all done in the name of making me laugh and trying to get me to chill out for just a second. It may or may not have worked a treat.

All of this may or may not have happened, but as I said above, I admit nothing :).

-Keeping Shtum Regular Van

I had a cycle monitoring appointment today, but that’s not what I’m going to write about, since nothing of note happened. I’m back in Monday. Hopefully my eggs will be fully cooked by then.

With the news of another failed month a few weeks ago, I was surprised by my sadness. I thought I had got it all out of my system when the first IUI failed. Been there, done that. I knew the chances were slim it was going to work (the odds of pregnancy is so tiny), and I thought I was more prepared this time because I’d been through it before. I found myself breaking down at the most random times: sitting on the toilet, making dinner, putting clothes away…and my sadness and tears were just as heavy as they were the first time round. It felt like the sadness lingered longer this time, too, and I worried that this process wasn’t getting any easier.

I decided I needed to do something in an effort to feel slightly less helpless. I made an appointment with the naturopath, which was one of the best decisions I’ve made in this journey. I also downloaded Circle+Bloom‘s program for PCOS, and started listening to the guided meditations on the first day of my cycle.

This summer, in preparation for teaching French for the first time, I read “Eat, Pray, Love” in French, and became fascinated with the idea of meditation. I didn’t do much about it until a few months ago when I found Andrew Johnson‘s awesome iPhone apps. I listen to them at school after a challenging class, and I often use the Meditation for Sleep app when I’m having a hard time falling asleep. His soothing Scottish accent knocks me out cold!

I saw that a few people had mentioned Circle+Bloom on their websites, so I thought I’d check it out. The meditations have become a really cherished part of my day now. I bought some lovely smelling sandalwood incense, and I burn this while I’m using my mind’s eye to focus on my inner lady bits. It’s been amazing to feel the different sensations throughout my body as I focus on each specific part and give each part time and attention.

I feel like I’m a player in all of this baby-making business again, and less like a spectator who’s getting all of this stuff done to her. I think this more active role is helping me to heal from the incredible sadness that was starting to take over.

Here’s my proof that it’s working: Our next door neighbors came home today with their brand new baby girl. J and I had been talking about them yesterday, and we were both wondering whether she’d had the baby yet (she was due April 1st). The car pulled up in front of our house this afternoon, and I saw my neighbor holding the baby carrier. I called for J, telling him the baby was here, and we both went outside to say our congratulations. The baby is absolutely beautiful, of course, and though I felt great twinges of sadness and maybe a tear creeping in there, I held it together and genuinely meant it when I congratulated them. I don’t know if I could have done that even two weeks ago.

So today, on Day 13 of my cycle, I’m going to focus on a successful cycle, whether that means that this is the month we get our BFP, or whether it means it will be a month of healing for my body and my soul.

-Meditative Regular Van