Yesterday marked the first day that I was up to my full dosage of Metformin. Here’s what I’ve noticed so far:

1. My appetite is, like, NOTHING. We had pizza tonight (a rare treat), and I could barely finish my 3rd piece. This is not normal. I have been known to eat a whole pizza myself, or at least half of it. Am I proud of this ability? If there was a word to describe both incredible shame and disturbing fascination, that would best describe my feelings towards my previous pizza voraciousness.

Apparently, there are some nasty digestive side effects with Metformin, but these are avoidable if you take it with meals. You can see the conundrum here: I’m not really ever hungry anymore, but I’m forcing myself to eat 3 meals so I can take these pills. This is a weird, weird feeling for me, because I always felt like I was starving. Though I may not have been the most predictable eater (is lunch that meal you eat at 3:35, when the kids have left for the day?), I was always aware of my hunger and my ability to eat pretty much anything in sight.

2. The California Barking Spiders are getting pretty bad this time of year. The barooms (J’s favourite description of bum trumpets) have been powerful, both in strength and in sound. We were at a book store the other day and I was froggy crouching whilst looking at cook books when it happened.

The explosion from my posterior was LOUD and caught me off guard. Usually, there is some warning that a duck is sneaking out, but this one was like a ninja. I quickly took the book and moved to another location, but I couldn’t stop grinning over the hilarity of the situation. Ba-ROOM!

So this is new. Everyone farts, I know the book, I live the reality. I was vegan for a big chunk of my adulthood, and I’m well aware that the poem about beans, beans, the magical fruit is really accurate. My lactose intolerance has also made me no stranger to the musical stylings our bottoms are capable of. But man alive, this Metformin (if that is indeed who to blame) is SUMMIN’ else.

*Insert writing pause to teach husband how to apply styling product to his hair*

So as I was saying…prepare yourself for some noisy indiscretions if you’re hopping aboard the Metformin train. The good news: though their sound is ferocious, their odor is nonexistant…for the most part…

3. 4-month baby bump is a thing of the past. Though I am certainly not at the stage where I can say I’ve lost weight (I still feel like a huge frigging whale), I don’t think I’m bloated anymore. I still don’t know if I can chalk that crazy weekend belly up to a Metformin/IUI/ovulating 3 eggs combo, or what, but it was something to see.

So that’s the update on Metformin. The side effects so far have been very minimal, which sadly is not the case with these disgusting progesterone suppositories. I had to explain to J that a “long” panty liner has nothing to do with the size of a woman’s va-jay-jay, and more to do with the amount of grossness coming out of her. The past few that I’ve had to insert broke into two small pieces. I felt like I was packing a musket…

-Pootin’ Tootin’ Musket Packin’ Regular Van.