Uh…

So I had a cycle monitoring appointment this morning, which entailed blood work and a VERY uncomfortable date with Dildo Cam. Ouchie mama. Was it the technician? I don’t know. I figured it was because my ovaries were just BURSTING with follicles on account of the Puregon.

I guess I was wrong.

My doctor wasn’t overly thrilled with what he saw, and upped my dosage to 100 mg from the 50 that I’ve been taking for the past week. Okay, I think. Not sure what that means, but I guess it’s okay.

Then I get a phone call this afternoon. My blood work was reviewed and Doctor Man wants me to go up to 150 mg tomorrow and Friday, then come back to see him on Saturday.

Obviously, I started googling like crazy. What did my blood work say? What’s going on? What’s wrong with my ovaries? I responded well to both Clomid and Femara (always had at least one juicy follicle in there), so I really didn’t think I’d have any issues with the injectables. Those are supposed to explode my ovaries, aren’t they?

So…uh…why aren’t my ovaries exploding with juicy follies? Why do I have to take more of this stuff?

Any help, blogging friends? I’m freaking out a little (but I’m filled with the best salad I’ve ever had-so it’s not entirely bad).

-Wake Up, You Ovaries! Regular Van.

Taking Stock

Cycle Monitoring – Cycle Day 4 – Duration: less than half an hour (what?!?!)

I started all over today with a fresh round of cycle monitoring. Things were speedy. So speedy, in fact, that I didn’t even have a chance to drink my coffee OR eat my oatmeal (thank you, Starbucks).

My doctor spent more time with me than usual, clearly not thrilled to see me back and unpregnant. The feeling is mutual, pal. Believe you me.

We discussed what happens now. He asked me a question he’s never asked me before: “What were you hoping for from this appointment?”. Basically, where are we going from here, was the question put to me. I guess now that I’ve failed so many times at the IUI game, more options are open to me. He brought up IVF for the first time as an available option, and talked again about the laparoscopy. I could go ahead with IVF even without the surgery, he told me. The ball is entirely in my court, it seems. He talked about injectables again, which I turned down for this month, as it’s the last month of school and I guess injectables involve a lot more appointments. He was fine with that, and bumped up my Femara intake for this cycle from 2 pills to 3. I didn’t get the sense from him that he was overly confident about this month, but never mind.

So my plan is to go ahead with the laparoscopy before we hop aboard the IVF train, in the hopes that we figure out why the hell I can’t get pregnant. I have a sneaking suspicion there is some endometriosis going on in my business, and my hope is that the surgery will be able to clear up some issues. Crazy, I know, but maybe we could even manage to have a baby naturally. My gut is telling me there’s a reason I haven’t gotten pregnant yet, and if we do the IVF now, we’re unnaturally forcing something that isn’t supposed to happen yet (if that makes any sense). I feel like the surgery is going to give us some answers to my effed up lady parts. I could be wrong, but this is what my gut says.

I’ve been really sad this past week. There have been a lot of tears and a lot of hopeless feelings and thoughts. I don’t really know why this week has been so hard, but I can feel myself falling into a nasty funk that will only be exacerbated by the copious amounts of free time I’ll have over the summer. I’m not complaining about having the summers off (I swear–I SWEAR!!!), but it’s hard to go from days that are so structured (every minute of every day), to no structure at all. That’s a dangerous recipe for an infertile with an internet connection.

Anyway, that’s what’s happening in these parts right now. My mum was worried about me, so she picked me up and brought me home. I’m kind of worried about me, too.

-Sad sad sad Regular Van.

IUI #4 Part Deux

The waiting now officially begins. The IUI went off without a hitch, though Dr. let me know that my body “looks like it’s about to ovulate”, then reminded me that Ovidrel makes 98% of women ovulate (and it’s always worked for me in the past). Kind of nerve-wracking, though. I’ve never been told at my second IUI that I haven’t ovulated yet.

Anyway, the good news to that is that I get to hold off on starting the progesterone until tomorrow morning. Thank heavens for small miracles.

J has a conference 2 hours out of town this week, so he’s been in a big rush these past couple of days. We talked yesterday about him not sticking around for the IUI after he dropped off his sample. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of this yesterday, but I said it was fine if that’s what he needed to do. And I meant it–I didn’t mean “fine” in that wifey way that really means it’s not fine.

Then we get to today. I was super emotional last night, but I was on my own, so no one saw me weeping while watching the documentary of Elmo’s puppeteer. And I mean weeping.

I felt fine when I walked into the clinic, but when J came over to wait with me to get my blood taken and preparing to say goodbye, I lost my shit a little bit. I started crying which I have never done in the clinic before–not even at our first meeting. I can keep it together in there for some reason. Not today, however. I told J I didn’t think I could do the IUI alone, and I needed him there. I’ve done 6 of these things already. I know the drill. I needed him there, though.

Reflecting on it now, I realize I had never really thought about how intimate the IUIs really are, and the emotional weight that is connected to them. The process itself is quick, but it’s not necessarily the physical act of it that I needed J there for. I initially thought that it’s pretty much the same as getting a pap test done, but I can see now that I don’t really believe that. I’m being injected with sperm that could potentially result in a baby. That’s kind of heavy, and this is supposed to be a partnership (and it is, don’t get me wrong–J is incredibly supportive). I feel like most of this journey has been a solo flight–I’m coming to the regular appointments, I’m getting blood taken on the regs, and I have a long-standing date with my friend Dildo Cam. I don’t mind doing that on my own, but I feel like when we get to the stage where something could actually happen, J should be there. I think he knew that, too.

May 28th is the date for my pregnancy test. I have a surprising amount of hope and positive feeling about this cycle. I can’t explain it, but I feel like this is my time. For the first time ever, I’ve started to be able to visualize myself pregnant, then with a baby, then with a school-aged child. I feel confident that I am going to be a mum. This is all new for me.

Sending big love out to wannabeayummymommy and her man today. It’s a big day for them, and these two deserve nothing but awesomely amazing news. Everything is crossed for you, girl.

-This time might just be it Regular Van

Wet and Horny

…that’s the goal, direct from my naturopath.

Did I mention this was the SECOND time I’ve met this woman? Thankfully, I have had adequate experience with people sans filter that I don’t think I even flinched when she said this.

So let’s backtrack. I had my second appointment with the naturopath yesterday. I’ve been feeling pretty good lately and was happy to report my progress. Her first question was not “Are you pregnant?”, which I appreciated, but “how’s your libido?”. It’s improving, that’s for sure, because it was pretty much non-existent for a while there. She was very excited. I also got to tell her that things are getting a lot juicier in the nether regions. She nearly squealed, but instead responded with the now famous phrase:

We want you wet and horny. That’s what gets babies made.

Oh Dr., I love you.

She then took my pulse to check in on the liver stasis she felt at my first appointment, and also to feel for the dampness she felt last time as well (pulse dampness). She said my pulse was “beautiful”, the dampness was gone and the liver stasis had greatly improved. “Your body is healing itself”. I nearly cried.

You need to understand that I have a long, long history with traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) and never have I heard that I had a strong, healthy pulse. This is progress, big time.

I told her where I was in my cycle, and she nearly jumped out of her chair while asking me if she could do some acupuncture on me. Of course, was my reply. Now, I wasn’t prepared to take my leggings off, but I figured she could deal with my super hairy legs. She did a million belly points (I’ve never had that many), two leg points, two hand points, and 4 ear points (this was new to me, too). Her technique was gentle with no manipulation of the needles once they were in. The ear points hurt going in, but the pain was gone in a second or two. I had a glorious acupuncture nap, and awoke refreshed and calm. It was a great experience.

She concluded that these big changes were likely due to my massive reduction in dairy consumption. She figures for me, it’s beyond lactose intolerance and more likely a sensitivity to the proteins in dairy. I don’t miss it, and still have the occasional piece of pizza. The fact that she can see a difference in 5 weeks is motivation enough to keep off it. She reiterated what I have always known but need to be reminded of frequently: my body needs really good stuff put into it on the regs.

We left with not making an appointment, but with two possible scenarios: if I fall pregnant (I love that phrase), I’m calling her to share the news because I’ll hardly have anyone to tell at that early stage, or I call on day 1 of my period to set up an appointment for sometime between day 9 and 12. I appreciated that she said the first option first. I like hope in other people. She believes my body can do this on its own now. No one has told me that yet.

All in all, an awesome appointment. I really do love her!

-Not yet a Slip ‘N Slide but getting better Regular Van