I had a cycle monitoring appointment today, but that’s not what I’m going to write about, since nothing of note happened. I’m back in Monday. Hopefully my eggs will be fully cooked by then.

With the news of another failed month a few weeks ago, I was surprised by my sadness. I thought I had got it all out of my system when the first IUI failed. Been there, done that. I knew the chances were slim it was going to work (the odds of pregnancy is so tiny), and I thought I was more prepared this time because I’d been through it before. I found myself breaking down at the most random times: sitting on the toilet, making dinner, putting clothes away…and my sadness and tears were just as heavy as they were the first time round. It felt like the sadness lingered longer this time, too, and I worried that this process wasn’t getting any easier.

I decided I needed to do something in an effort to feel slightly less helpless. I made an appointment with the naturopath, which was one of the best decisions I’ve made in this journey. I also downloaded Circle+Bloom‘s program for PCOS, and started listening to the guided meditations on the first day of my cycle.

This summer, in preparation for teaching French for the first time, I read “Eat, Pray, Love” in French, and became fascinated with the idea of meditation. I didn’t do much about it until a few months ago when I found Andrew Johnson‘s awesome iPhone apps. I listen to them at school after a challenging class, and I often use the Meditation for Sleep app when I’m having a hard time falling asleep. His soothing Scottish accent knocks me out cold!

I saw that a few people had mentioned Circle+Bloom on their websites, so I thought I’d check it out. The meditations have become a really cherished part of my day now. I bought some lovely smelling sandalwood incense, and I burn this while I’m using my mind’s eye to focus on my inner lady bits. It’s been amazing to feel the different sensations throughout my body as I focus on each specific part and give each part time and attention.

I feel like I’m a player in all of this baby-making business again, and less like a spectator who’s getting all of this stuff done to her. I think this more active role is helping me to heal from the incredible sadness that was starting to take over.

Here’s my proof that it’s working: Our next door neighbors came home today with their brand new baby girl. J and I had been talking about them yesterday, and we were both wondering whether she’d had the baby yet (she was due April 1st). The car pulled up in front of our house this afternoon, and I saw my neighbor holding the baby carrier. I called for J, telling him the baby was here, and we both went outside to say our congratulations. The baby is absolutely beautiful, of course, and though I felt great twinges of sadness and maybe a tear creeping in there, I held it together and genuinely meant it when I congratulated them. I don’t know if I could have done that even two weeks ago.

So today, on Day 13 of my cycle, I’m going to focus on a successful cycle, whether that means that this is the month we get our BFP, or whether it means it will be a month of healing for my body and my soul.

-Meditative Regular Van

Advertisements