So I may or may not have had a major freak-out last night, which may or may not have caused me to convince myself I had ovulated too late for the IUIs to have done anything.

I may or may not have bugged out so hard that I had to turn off my Circle+Bloom meditation program because my breathing started speeding up.

I also may or may not have spent the hours between midnight – 2:00 AM conducting the following Google searches:

  • i didn’t ovulate iui
  • ovulation not confirmed progesterone suppositories
  • iui pain
  • does progesterone stop ovulation
  • ovidrel
  • ovidrel success rates
  • how long does washed sperm live
  • timing of iui

I also may or may not have yelled at poor J ON HIS BIRTHDAY because I spent a restless night freaking out about whether this cycle was a bust or not and not knowing what to do about it while feeling definite ovulation pain, and maybe kind of resenting the fact that he was sound asleep while all this freaking out was going on.

I may or may not have used yet another sick day to return to the clinic like a crazy lady, and sputter out some nonsensical ramblings about not ovulating and maybe needing a third IUI and not knowing what to do and should I start the progesterone and I swear I’m not crazy but I know it sounds like I am…

I may or may not have spoken to the sweetest nurse in the world who sent me for an ultrasound to see if I’d ovulated, who told me I had two teams working for me. Two teams? “Two teams of sperm are in there looking for that egg”, she may or may not have said to me, while looking at me with an expression that could best be described as a mix of “let’s get this crazy calmed STAT”, and genuine caring. I may or may not have said to her that I don’t usually spaz out like this, I swear, this is my first major bug out, I swear…

My doctor may or may not have seen me after the ultrasound and asked me if I was okay, to which I apparently couldn’t formulate an answer, so he brought me into his office to talk. During this meeting, I may or may not have been repeating the mantra “I can control the flood that is creeping into my eyes right now/You will not break down here”, while listening to him explain that the timing for the IUIs was perfect, that I shouldn’t lose sleep over this (um, too late for that one, sir), and that I had probably ovulated yesterday afternoon or early evening.

I may or may not love my sweet husband even more for encouraging me to go to the clinic to put my mind at ease and to come with me this morning. He may or may not have smeared his face with the chocolate from his muffin to make me laugh, and then forced me to kiss him so he could call me a “chocolate face!!!”, which I know was all done in the name of making me laugh and trying to get me to chill out for just a second. It may or may not have worked a treat.

All of this may or may not have happened, but as I said above, I admit nothing :).

-Keeping Shtum Regular Van

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